Suffer For My Sin
by Hide In Darkness
Summary: Severus is returning home after his fifth year at Hogwarts. For the first time in his life he's looking forward to what awaits him there. - WARNING: abuse/domestic violence, self-harm
1. Returning Home

Summary:

Severus is returning home after his fifth year at Hogwarts. For the first time in his life he's looking forward to what awaits him there.

Rating: T

Warning:

graphic **abuse** , mentions of **domestic violence** , mentions of **self-harm** , a little depressing

(in short, the usual)

Author's Note:

Finally another story. I had this idea for a long time, but never the inspiration to write it. Originally planned as one-shot, but that would have been quite long.

Summaries hate me (as well as traffic lights, by the way). Either I have a good one but no story, or a story but no good summary.

And yes, I absolutely dislike the canon picture of Severus being right-handed.

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sound like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **Suffer for my sins**

 **Chapter 1 – Returning home**

Severus didn't speak a single word on the trip back to London. The fellow Slytherins had tried to start a conversation with him at first, but after a few deadly glares they had given up.

The sun was shining through the windows of the train, mocking his mood as usual. It was the summer after his fifth year, the first holidays without Lily.

Lily. He had tried to apologize to her, more than once. But she never wanted to listen. Finally he had stopped. It hurt his heart, but he didn't want to force her. After all he couldn't even forgive himself, why should she then?

He had watched her, silently, from the distance. Sometimes she met his eye, only to look away a second later. It wouldn't have bothered him, if it wasn't for her disgusted expression.

Severus knew he deserved to pay for that. The Marauders hexed him on a daily basis, but that was nothing new for them. The Slytherins saw the matter differently, they were happy he had quit his friendship with Lily. Thus he had to take his punishment into his own hands. He had started to cut his right arm with a knife every day a few weeks ago.

The train was slowing down. He hadn't realised that the fields and meadows were slowly replaced by houses and tall buildings. They were driving through the outer parts of London, soon they would be arriving at King's Cross Station.

He had no desire to be there. Nor anywhere else. The only thing he felt like doing was turn back time and stop that word from leaving his tongue. Unfortunately that was impossible.

The train stopped and he followed the other students out onto the platform in some kind of trance. The children were laughing and chatting happily. They greeted their waiting parents with smiles on their faces.

Normally Severus would have searched the platform for Lily's parents with her. They always offered him to take him back to Cokeworth as well and he had always agreed, more or less willingly, not wanting to be impolite.

But this year was different, of course. Lily had made perfectly clear she didn't want to talk to him, sitting in the same car in silence would seem awkward to her parents. And his mother couldn't pick him up. First, they had no car, and second, her husband would never allow her to leave the house for several hours.

Thus he would take the train and walk the rest of the way to his house. It would take much longer, his father would be furious about his delay, but he didn't mind. He would get a beating anyway, the worse it was the better it would serve as punishment for his wrong-doings towards Lily.

Back at Hogwarts he had transformed a tiny piece of parchment into a ticket. He couldn't ask his mother for money, she needed it to buy some food and it was barely enough for that anyway. Despite of that he had no desire to be expelled because he had to confund someone to travel unnoticed.

The ride to Cokeworth went by as boring as the one to London. Though Severus looked out of the window, he didn't really see what was going on outside. He just stared into nothingness, his thoughts lost somewhere far away. Maybe with Lily, maybe in the future, he didn't know.

When he left the train, his already bad mood grew even worse. Though the train station was in a better part of the town, it was still depressing here. There were only a few clouds in the sky, yet it seemed to Severus to be dark and gloomy. Somehow it was always different when Lily was around.

Slowly he made his way to his home in Spinner's End. It was almost on the other end of the town. On his walk he passed the street in which Lily lived with her family. He stopped for a while and looked at her house, at the window of her bedroom. Never again would he be in there. Never again would she smile at him. Never again would she take his hand and comfort him after his father beat him. And it was all his fault, he had messed up their friendship.

Suddenly the curtain moved slightly. Severus could have sworn he saw Lily's eyes look at him for a moment. Or did he just imagine it? He waited for a few more seconds. Maybe she would look out again. But the curtain didn't move again.

With a sad sigh he continued his walk. On the way he tried to build up his Occlumency shields again. He had learned of this method a few years ago. Only to notice that he had used it all along to shut down when his father was beating him or his mother. But since then he had practised and improved his skills a lot.

This time he had trouble raising the shields, though. He tried to concentrate on his breathing, calm and regular. A beginner's tactic, but useful. Normally. Somehow his thoughts always returned to the house he had just left behind. Or worse, back to that fateful day at the black lake. Or went ahead to a face and a voice he knew only too well.

All too soon he reached the last house in the street called Spinner's End. The dirtiest and gloomiest of all, as it seemed to Severus. Though the others weren't much better either.

After a short moment of hesitation he knocked on the old wooden door. He heard a muffled shout, then hasty footsteps. The next second the door was opened by a woman, Severus' mother Eileen.

He had almost forgotten what she looked like with him a year gone. Her eyes were tired, dark circles underneath gave evidence of many sleepless nights. The cheekbones stuck out sharply, her face was gaunt from stress and pain. She looked much older than she actually was.

The bruises didn't make this any better. One along her chin was already fading, while a dark blue one formed next to her right eye and covered almost the entire cheek. The eye was slightly swollen. Surely it would be worse the next day.

Small cuts on her lip and chin showed where he had struck her harder than usual. Severus fought back the tears which were threatening to reach his eyes. He didn't want to see the rest of her body. He could imagine it quite well. Even this would only weaken him and he needed every bit of strength for what was coming for him now.

"You're late", was her only greeting. Severus didn't mind. What else could she say? 'Good to see you'? Certainly not. He knew it pained her as well to see him getting hurt.

"I had to take the train." When you grew up in a house with Tobias Snape, you learned very quickly not to say more than what was absolutely necessary. She nodded. Maybe she understood what this meant for his relationship with Lily.

"He's waiting for you in the living room." With this she stepped aside and let him in.

The tiny corridor was barely wide enough for two people. Now it was almost crowded with him, his mother and his Hogwarts trunk inside. He handed it over to her and she heaved it up the stairs towards the attic to lock it away until term resumed.

Not that she didn't want him to study, or prevent him from doing magic. But this way her husband couldn't reach her son's school stuff and destroy it, if he felt like it. It was bad enough that he had broken her wand, she didn't want the same for her son.

Meanwhile Severus entered the living room. The familiar stench of alcohol reached his nose and he screwed up his face for a split-second. Then he knelt down on the dirty floor and took off his shirt, not waiting for his father to give the order.

He didn't bother to search the room for the man. It was not important where he was now. Soon he would be standing behind him, hitting him with the belt or the cane on his bare back.

"Did you finally learn your place, eh?" Severus heard heavy footsteps coming nearer. Instinctively he tensed, and cursed himself for that. He didn't want to show fear in front of his father. Though it would help to receive some more lashes.

Instead of an answer he just lowered his head. For the first time in his life he just wanted the beating to start and not stop until he fell unconscious. Or, even better, died.

"Did you enjoy yourself over the year, yes? Well, you'd better remember the rules while you're here. This is not you're freaky school where you can do whatever you want. This is _my_ house, and _my_ rules, remember that!"

Severus didn't really listen to what his father was telling him. He repeated just one sentence over and over again in his head. _'Lily, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, one day.'_

Then he heard the sound of the cane rushing through the air. It made contact with his skin almost immediately. Severus barely managed to suppress a hiss when the fire spread over his back. It had been some time since he had felt it last. Thus he wasn't as used to the pain as he would be at the end of the holidays.

The next few lashes felt just as bad as the first. But he quickly grew numb to it as he usually did. Over and over again the cane came down on his skin. Severus didn't bother to count the blows. May it be as many as his father wished to give him, he didn't care.

Slowly blood was trickling down his back. He hadn't realized that the skin had been ripped open, though it wasn't unexpected, of course. The belt may only leave bruises and painful welts, but the cane always caused bleeding injuries.

Finally, after a pretty bad stroke, he collapsed to the floor. Unfortunately this meant the cuts on his right arm were visible to his father. Of course he spotted them before Severus was able to hide his arm again.

"You freak enjoying the pain, eh? Well, you can have more of this then!", the man spat. Had he not been used to it by now, Severus would have been shocked about the amused tone in his father's voice.

And again he beat him with the cane. Only this time it felt more fiercely than before. Severus flinched violently when it left another open wound on his already bloody back.

Another hard blow followed, then another. Soon he lost count over them, but it didn't matter to him anyway. He already had scars on his back, and he didn't even know how many. These new ones wouldn't make much difference.

After what felt like an eternity his father was done with him. Severus barely held onto consciousness. It wouldn't have taken much longer and he would have fallen into the blackness he usually greeted. Not this time, though. This time he wanted to feel the pain, needed it to pay for his sins.

"Get to your room!" He didn't dare to disobey his father's order, even though he felt dizzy. He was bleeding heavily now, too many open wounds had been left by the cane. But he had no time to catch his breath or rest for a moment. He already sensed the kick he would get if he didn't move in a split-second.

* * *

 **Cut! Or it's getting too long!**

 **Please review!**


	2. Penance

**Second and last chapter, at least for now.**

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sound like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **Suffer for my sins**

 **Chapter 2 – Penance**

Severus grabbed his shirt and left into the corridor. There, out of side of his father, he leaned against the wall for support. Then he stumbled down the stairs into the cellar.

The room looked exactly as he remembered it. The last light of the setting sun shone through the window near the ceiling. His thin and old mattress sat in the corner opposite the door. A moth-eaten blanket lay untidily on top of it. It had never been big enough to cover him completely, but now, after Severus had grown quite a lot, it was definitely too small for him.

With an exhausted sigh he sat down on his so-called bed. It had been a long day and he was getting tired. But his back was throbbing like hell. It would take him some time to fall asleep. Nevertheless he lay down on his stomach.

The cold was starting to creep into his bones. Though Severus was shivering, he didn't pull the blanket over himself. First, it wouldn't help much anyway. Second, his back was still wet with blood and it would be very painful to remove it tomorrow. And third, there was a chance he would catch a cold which might end his miserable life.

After long and restless hours in the freezing air Severus finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

Suddenly he woke up again. Something wet had made contact with his sore skin. He flinched away, out of habit. And cursed himself for his carelessness. He should have noticed someone coming into the room.

"I'm sorry, dear." The voice of his mother. What was she doing? Did she tend to his wounds? Why? She wasn't able to heal them anyway. Apart from that he was not worthy of this treatment.

"Leave me alone!", Severus hissed at her, a venom in his voice he immediately regretted. She only wanted to help him. Why did he always have to hurt the ones who cared about him?

"Don't feel sorry for me. I deserve this", he added and pushed himself into a sitting position, ignoring the ache in his back. Eileen silently looked at him, slightly shocked.

"Why do you say such a thing? You do not deserve that!", she tried to convince him. Severus lowered his head, he felt ashamed for this.

"I messed it up. I insulted Lily, called her a mudblood. It was in anger, but still. I shouldn't have done it and now I have to pay. I deserve this", he told his mother. Her look changed into sadness. She reached out for his hand, but he flinched back. Now tears sprang into her eyes.

"Oh, my dear son. Don't burden yourself with this. Surely she can forgive you", she said, a soft tone in her voice.

"She won't. I did apologize to her, but she wouldn't listen. And how could I blame her? Not after that." Severus didn't know why he told her at all. She had enough problems of her own, he had no right to burden her with his as well.

"That does not necessarily mean she will never forgive you. You two are still young. You _make_ mistakes, and that's important. You learn from them. Lily will realize this, sooner or later." Eileen obviously wanted to cheer him up. But her words didn't do their purpose.

"Lily will not forgive me", he repeated. "She made that perfectly clear." He really couldn't blame her. Who ever wanted to be friends with him? How could he have been so foolish to believe that their friendship would last forever? Spinner's End was known to bring up people no one in his right mind wanted to socialize with. And speaking of that...

"WOMAN! What are you doing down there so long?!" There was no better example than Tobias Snape. Constantly drunk, jobless, abusive and hating everything what wasn't alcohol. The typical image of the people living in this part of Cokeworth.

"I'm sorry, dear, but I guess I have to go again. Get some more rest and let these injuries heal. And please, try to stay away from him as good as you can." Eileen cast gave him a short smile, then got up and left the room.

Severus stared at the closed door. No, he would not hide from his father any longer. He would not allow his father to hurt his mother when he could do something about it. He would try to protect her, and if he died doing so. She was the only one left who cared about him. Severus could not bear to loose her as well.

He got up and pulled on the shirt. He winced as it touched his sore back. Well, he'd better get used to that, it wouldn't change until he was back at Hogwarts. Severus sighed at this thought. Two months he would stay here. Two months to pay for his sins. And people actually called that holidays.

Severus followed his mother upstairs. His father was sitting in the living room watching some sport on TV, as usual, some beer bottles standing on a small table beside him, usual as well. Eileen was not in the room. Probably she was in the kitchen, looking for something to eat what wasn't already half-rotten.

He passed the living room towards the tiny kitchen. On his way he shot an angry glare at his father's back. After all these years he still couldn't figure out why the man wasted the little money they had on alcohol rather than proper food.

His mother was indeed preparing a small breakfast. She had found an old piece of hard bread and a bit of cheese, which horribly smelled like it was _really_ gone off.

"Ah, my dear", she said in a low voice, not wanting to draw her husband's attention on them. "Breakfast's just ready. You can eat some if you like. I'm sorry it's nothing better, but..." She left the last part of the sentence unspoken. Both knew that there was not enough money for more.

"I'm not hungry anyway." Actually he _was_ hungry. But he would never be able to eat as much as back at Hogwarts. He'd better get used to that feeling as well.

Eileen nodded slowly, then reached out for the plate to bring it into the living room. But Severus was faster. He grabbed it from right beneath her hand.

"No, mother, I'll do that. You need some rest." _Not a beating so early in the morning_ , stood unspoken between them. She nodded again before he quickly turned around and walked back towards his father.

He slammed the plate hard onto the table, making the cheese almost fall to the dirty floor and the empty bottles wobble. When his father looked up at him, slightly confused, he received a glare from his son so deadly his fellow Slytherins would be jealous.

"What's this about? What makes you think you can behave like this?", his father snarled at him.

For the first time Severus decided to provoke him. Instead of an apology, or any other kind of answer, he just pressed his lips tightly together and narrowed his eyes. If looks alone could kill, the man would _really_ be dead now.

"It's not my fault your useless freak of a mother cannot make something better!", he spat, finally figuring out what his son was so angry about.

"Oh yes, it is your fault! Who else drinks away all the money?!", Severus shot back immediately, letting out what he had held down his entire life.

"You dare talk back?!", he growled, rising from his seat. This was one of the rules his father had wanted to remind him of yesterday. It wasn't that he had forgotten it, he just didn't care right now.

"You dare insult my mother in front of me?!"

"If you want a beating, you can have one!" _You have no idea how right you are about this._ Severus suppressed a smirk about the irony of his thoughts.

"Get down and take off your shirt." His father undid his belt while Severus followed the order, not without glaring at the man.

"I thought you'd learned the rules already." And with this the belt came down on his battered skin. His back screamed in agony, but Severus remained silent. Though he _wanted_ to be punished, a scream was not among his options to achieve this. Too painful was the memory of this one beating about ten years ago.

The first stroke alone was enough to reopen half of his wounds and set his skin on fire. The second wasn't any better. And, of course, it didn't stop after that. Blows rained down on his back, blood trickled to the floor. Severus winced as the belt hit his neck. He already had a scar there from last year's welcome.

About twenty lashes later his father was done with him, for now. With a kick to the side he signalled his son to get out of his sight. Severus got up and put on his shirt again. Normally he would have gone to the clearing now, met with Lily and rid his mind off thoughts about his home life.

Not today, though. Lily wouldn't be there. And even if, she wouldn't want to see him. Besides, he still had to suffer for his sin.

Therefore he would stay in his room. Until one of them felt like a beating.

* * *

 **Oops, again longer than I intended it to be. Well, I guess I'm just a naturally cruel and evil person and therefore can't write a chapter in which Sev is not suffering. Poor boy. If I should ever meet him, take him away from me as fast as you can!**

 **And please, don't forget the reviews!**


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